Entry tags:

fanfic, r&p uni, reflections

Reflections and Photographs 6
Title: Reflections and Photographs
Author:diebyownhands
Pairing:Frank/Gerard, Mikey/Ray (this pairing just sneaked up on me)
Rating:R
POV: Third Person
Summary: When angry we sometimes say thinks we don't really mean. "I wish I never met you", Frank never thought his boyfriends wish would come true.
Disclaimer: Not real
Authors Note Thanks to mamoo13 for beta reading this. Late again I know, we are trying to post on Friday.

prolog-1-2-3-4-5



*I'm sorry if this sucks, I tried*

6

I’m lost. I’m completely lost. When I close my eyes, is it real, or is it fantasy? Are you who I imagined, who I may remember, or who they say?

I can’t close my eyes to the pictures in front of me, I can’t close my eyes to you and as much as this seems like a dream come true, it feels like a nightmare.

I want to feel you. I want to feel you and see what is real now. What reality is, because I’m lost in oblivion. I’m lost in anger and hurt and I don’t understand why this happened to me. Why this happened, because who do I hate and who do I blame. Lies are lies, is there a black and white? Are we all stuck in fucking gray, fucking gray.

Were have you been?

For some reason all Gerard could think was “If this were a movie.” If this were a movie a sad song would play in the background, quiet acoustic, voice and guitar. If this were a movie when the pictures were shown and the story was told, small flashbacks of his past would be shown. If this were a movie the ring would be the key to open his locked away past.

If this were a movie his pain wouldn’t be real. His anger and his tears would dry up as the director yells cut. If this were a movie he’d have a script to follow an easy way to forgive.

Unfortunately, life isn’t a movie, there isn’t a script to follow and no one yells cut when the scene doesn’t go as planned.

Gerard is left in front of the person he trusted most in this world, listening to every single thing that has been kept from him. Hearing him swear he did it because he loved him, to protect him.

As much as Mikey tries to pass it all off as well meant secrets, they feel like betrayal and lies to Gerard. Gerard keeps looking towards Ray, back to Mikey waiting for the moment he is told this is all a joke, waiting for the camera, waiting for someone to yell cut.

Because he and Anthony- Frank Iero were never in love, because Frank and Gerard never lived together, never slept in the same bed or exchanged rings in front of their family and friends. Because his brother would never keep all this from him. He’d never keep the fact that Gerard once was in serious relationship, that he once was loved and that he once loved.

“This is a joke, right?” Gerard watched how his brother’s eyes averted his own, how Ray put a comforting hand over Mikey’s shoulder. “Why?”

Mikey could feel the hurt radiating from Gerard; he could taste and feel it as though it was his own.

“I didn’t want you to hurt.”

“Hurt? Mikey I don’t fucking remember the guy, he could have pushed me in front of a car and I wouldn’t remember and for that matter care.” Mikey tensed at Gerard’s words.

“Frank moved out of the apartment the same day of the accident, he didn’t even bother telling anyone about it. Mikey did what he did because he thought it was best. You had a lot to go through. You didn’t need the extra baggage.” Ray pulled Mikey against his chest, feeling a little bad for almost forcing him to confess.

“It was my baggage to carry, my memories. I trusted you, Mike. I believed everything you told me, but what else have you kept from me?”

“Nothing,” Mikey shook his head. “Frank is the only thing, because he doesn’t deserved to be remembered when you needed him the most he disappeared. Before you even had a chance to say if you wanted to sing or not, he broke up the band.”

Gerard took the pictures, looking through them once more.

“I thought I was some kind of obsessed freak. Mikey, what I thought were fantasies could have been memories. How…Why are you telling me all this now?”

Mikey bit his lip. Ray noticed he wasn’t willing to talk anymore and told Gerard that Frank had contacted them.

Gerard sat down once more, his mind reeling with too much information all at once. He had just the other day told Mikey how well Ray and Frank would sound together, only to find out that they once had. He had just stood a few feet away from Frank Iero, thinking that maybe he was looking back at him, and he probably was. He had just discovered that his idol and obsession was also his ex lover.

That the feeling in his chest when he looked at Frank’s pictures was probably more than admiration and unhealthy obsession, it could have been love. His brother had kept this from him. He had kept his chance to go after Frank from him.

“Maybe the fight was my fault; maybe all these years, he has been wondering why I never came back.”

Mikey shook his head, “He didn’t care, Gee. He didn’t care. He didn’t once come to see you. Not even when I called to tell him you had woken up. He didn’t care. He moved on before you even made it out of the bed.”

Gerard turned around, leaving the apartment without another word. He wasn’t sure where he was going, but he needed air. He needed to feel free. He felt trapped and confused, because a part of him was elated to know that he had kissed Anthony’s lips, and another part of him was terrified of what else had been kept from him. He was upset and betrayed and he hated that he couldn’t remember. What good was it to know he’d held Frank in his arms when he couldn’t remember what his skin felt like? What good was it to feel his heart clench with feeling and know it was love when it was so obvious that Frank had moved on?

What good was finally pin-pointing this feeling when it was no good? When Frank was gone and unreachable?

Gerard sat on a park bench regretting that he had left the house without a sketch pad. His hands were tickling with the need to draw. Everything looked beautiful around him and he needed some type of outlet to everything he was feeling. Feeling restless by just sitting there, he began to walk again. He was tired of replaying recent events.

It wasn’t right that Mikey had kept such an important part of his life from him. But then if Frank had really cared for him wouldn’t he have… Frank could have come back and made it impossible to keep it a secret.

Frank didn’t just cut Gerard out of his life, but all of their common friends. No one had heard from him since the day he told Ray that he had a new band, and was moving to Chicago.

What had happened that night? Gerard needed answers, and he wasn’t going to get them from anyone but Frank. He was hurt and it would take time to forgive Mikey, but he knew eventually he would. Mikey was his brother, what he did was all with good intentions.
-

His arms pushed against his shoulders. He pushed him hard because, Fuck, he knew how much he hated...

He loved him he loved him so much, but why? He pushed him again, yelling demanding answers that he didn’t bother hearing.

“We were just talking…” It didn’t look like just talking.

“He has been my friend since school,” You don’t hug friends like that.

“I said I didn’t want to see you with him! Why don’t you ever do what I say?”

“You can’t order me around.” Don’t you care for me?

“I love you, you, not him. He is just a friend.”

“Stop seeing him,” Please, choose me over him…

“He is my best friend…”

“And I’m your boyfriend!” He didn’t even know when he grabbed the flower vase; it didn’t register what he’d done until it exploded above his partners head.

“Fuck…” I didn’t mean to.

“Sometimes I wish I didn’t love you this much. That I never had to see this side off you,” His hand reached out to clean the glass off his head. What had he done?

“I’m sorry…”

“You always are.”

Tears streaked down Franks face. The dream always felt to real, always hurt too much. Emma pulled him towards her, kissing his forehead and welcoming him back to awareness. Frank wrapped his arms around her, his head nestled against her neck.

“It’s just a dream,” She whispered. “Just a dream.” She rocked him and kissed him.

Frank nodded in agreement with her, just to agree. He knew it wasn’t just a dream and he knew that wasn’t the worst of it. Frank concentrated on the sweet nothings his fiancé mumbled as she slowly fell back to sleep. He held onto her, thankful that she was there to help him escape his nightmares. He was thankful that Emma had been there for him, not only to wake him from his nightmares, but to help him heal. Bob and Emma had helped him kick habits. They’d helped him admit faults and they gave him the strength to stop running.

Frank woke up to the smell of coffee. A smile spread on his face as he hugged the pillow Emma had used and inhaled her scent, which still lingered on it.

He grabbed his cell phone to check the time and sat up abruptly when he noticed it was almost twelve. He walked out into the kitchen, where Emma greeted him with a kiss and a mug of coffee. He smiled at her and wordlessly sat down to drink his coffee.

“I promised Bob that I’d go help him choose the ring for his girlfriend today,” Emma said taking the seat next to Frank.

“Kay,” Frank said. “I have to meet with my friend to see if his band will tour with us or not. What time do you have to meet Bob?”

Emma checked her watch before answering. She was already dressed and ready to go. “I have to head out in about ten minutes. I should be home by four. What time do you have to meet your friend?”

“I’m meeting him for lunch, so I have to hurry and get ready. I don’t know how traffic will be and it’s on the other side of town.”

Emma agreed that he had to hurry and with a peck on the lips she grabbed her purse, ready to leave. Before she reached the door she turned towards Frank, “Do you think we could have dinner together?”

“No prob, babe.” Frank kissed her by the door.

-

Mikey had spend most of the night awake, sitting in the living room and waiting for Gerard to come home. He never did. Ray made him a cup of coffee and grilled cheese, but the sandwich was ignored.

“I should call dad to see if Gerard went by there.” Mikey said, setting the cup down.

“I already did. He’s not there. I called his cell phone, too.” Ray sat next to Mikey pulling him onto his lap. “Just give him some time; he just needs to process everything.”

Mikey kissed Ray, who tried to keep the kiss comforting and sweet. But it was Mikey who pushed until they were both panting, and Ray’s hips involuntarily pushed against Mikey’s.

“I love you,” Mikey said, his eyes focused on Ray’s as his hands raked through his hair.

“I love you, too.” Ray pushed his hips down and Mikey’s eyes closed as moan escaped him. “Everything will be fine.”

Mikey nodded, “I need you, don’t leave me.”

“Never.” Ray settled next to Mikey spooning on the couch and ignoring his erection. Mikey snuggled closer, his eyes set on the door.

-

It was a good think Frank thought of calling Ray before leaving his house to make sure he had the right directions, because Ray had completely forgotten about their meeting. Ray had talked to his band members and they all agreed that touring with Pencey Prep was an opportunity they couldn’t miss.

Ray didn’t want to leave Mikey alone in the apartment, but he knew he’d never agree to meeting with Frank or even having him over. He tried to move away from Mikey so he couldn’t listen to the conversation, but Mikey wouldn’t let him stand.

“Frank, look I’m having some personal problems right now and I can’t make it today, but I talked to the guys and they all agree to touring with your band.”

Mikey pulled away from Ray so that he could see his expressions.

“That’s great, tour dates will be announced next week. Ah, Ray I was really looking forward to catching up with you, it’s been such a long time.”

“Yeah, it has.” Ray said looking into Mikey’s eyes, “but my boyfriend needs me now.” Ray leaned over and pecked Mikey on the lips.

Frank spluttered for a bit, unsure of what to say. Fear crept into him, irrational like always, that said boyfriend would be Gerard, but he’d seen Gerard with the blond guy.

“Boyfriend, wow. I thought you were the straight one,” Frank couldn’t keep the bitter resentment out of his voice, because of how many times Gerard had sworn that his best friend was straight.

Mikey noticed how Ray’s eyebrows drew together. He knew that Frank had said something to upset Ray. He tried to lean in closer to hear what Frank was saying, but Ray pulled back.

“Well, I guess, have your tour manager or who ever email us what ever we need to know for the tour. I’ll talk to you later.” Without letting Frank say one more word, Ray hung up.

‘Asshole’ Ray thought quietly. What right did he have to make a comment in that tone about Ray’s sexuality?

“What’d he say?”

“Nothing.” Ray kissed Mikey on the lips.

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